I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
