I must be too annoying 4 u.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
My vagina is officially offended.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
