you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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