this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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