The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
