I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
