Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
