I'm lost and stupid without you.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
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