my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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