wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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