I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
