Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
