If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
