I hope mine doesn't look like that
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
