Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
