OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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