I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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