Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
