I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
