dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
