you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
where are you?
Hypothermia
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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