Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
