I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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