Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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