Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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