So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
