So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
