mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
