This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
