Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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