# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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