He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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