God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
