omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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