I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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