Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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