Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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