Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
