Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
