Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I need to sanitize my soul.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
