I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
