once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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