i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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