i think i have two assholes
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
