my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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