i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
