Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
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