Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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