Whats the glycemic index on semen?
she smelled like a LAN party
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
