My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
