someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
